Making hard Decision/Choices

Making hard choices/decisions.

I've had to in the past few months or just in the past 4yrs make some really hard decisions. I've had to grow up and not make excuses. I've to not think about just myself and wallow in whatever I thought was hurting me. Seeing as I have a daughter now, it's not all about me.  Are there 'down' times? Sure. Sure there and were things w/in that I've had to diligently confront and w/that personal confrontation has come a strength that resided w/in all along. That India.Arie song, 'Strength, Courage and Wisdom' –its been inside of me all along….yep, that's definitely been me. When that song came out I was still deep in my Christendom and so I was arguing w/myself on how these things were in Christ and not me…lol…little did I know. Yes, I am grateful for the learning that I've endured in the church but I am also grateful to be done w/it now. I remarked to my dad once that I just transcended it. I grew up out of it. I had to so that I could continue on because I was getting depressed. I was getting things said over the airwaves that I didn't have enough faith and that's why I felt like it was hard (life).

That's all gone now. I am now way different from that now. I am glad that my daughter has gotten to know me now in the state that I am in now then how I was then. I wouldn't have had much to offer her back then because I was soo busy wallowing in self guilt, self pity, self destruction, pain and I would have made some really extra bad decisions out of all of that and fear. Does fear keep you from living? Yep. Along w/a slew of other things.

I've had to confront my relationship that I decided to stay in 05-07. I've had to heal from the stuff that I thought was being done to me and flip it and see it as what did I learn from it…lol. That crashed all of that self-pity right there. See as I was angry and wanted to continue to progress, that's exactly what I did. I got up every morning and diligently did my libations and meditations. I grew yall! I saw the difference when I missed my meditation time rushing to work and when I took that time. I even was doing it on the bus on the way to and from work. I just took that time.

Since I made the physical transition to Florida in June of last yr, (2010) I have had to really confront more things about me. Imbalances that I have been leaning on…I am still learning. Increasing even more in my awareness and listening even more intently to Inner Silence. I call it this because this is what came to me in the past few yrs in my encouraging others. For meditation especially.

 

 

 

RELATING

If you are interested in someone, you should want to know more about THEM as well! It's not all about you....lol...sometimes we are just too self-centered.... I take a lot of time to listen. This is an acquired art- especially for me! I say this because sometimes in the past someone could be talking and one thing they say; a word, phrase or sentence, could send my mind bounding down the road and forgetting that I was in a very physically present conversation. Patience.

I used to hate when my elders told me to be patient. I was always resistant. I wanted what I wanted right then and there. It took some years of grounding and settling to learn to just....chill. What is to come will and when it does, it brings with it its own responsibilities.

Balance

Maybe i'm crazy......lol (doubt it) there is a such thing as 'roles' in the dynamics of relationship. If the woman is trying to be the man in a romantic relationship w/a man....it's a difficult road- only easy if the man decides to be in the feminine role. Out of order!!!!!!!! And i dont give a fuck who disagrees w/me.... Even in same-sex romantic relationships someone has to take the masculine and the other the feminine role. Know your role!! Rest in it. Love it. Appreciate it. Give thanks for it. Respect it. How are you an 'independent' wombman in a romantic relationship w/a man? Both principles are in us all....choose you which way when that time comes to make a decision in the relationship.....respect.

 

I am entering a beautiful time in my life where I am sure that I don't want to be alone forever in this incarnation. When I moved to Florida in July of this yr (2010), I had time to be alone and grow. I didn't give out of my body to any man and I pretty much kept to myself. I meet people no matter wherever I am on the planet. I have really began to evaluate what I really want out of life. When I got to Florida the Spirit began to tell me some things and I felt like, 'nah…I'm not ready…am I?' lol

I had to deal w/the fact that I have an understanding of different facets of relationships and I respect those different types of relationships. Its beautiful-they're beautiful in their own way. However, they are not for me…. I had to deal w/my commitment issues which were rooted in fear. I feared that I may not ever be involved w/someone that would really want to be involved with me and all that entails me.

As I grew up, I was raised by my mom the first 14yrs of my present incarnation. From 14-18, I lived w/my father. I saw man/woman relating in my mom's hsehld but there were some deficiencies…I saw a different type of man/woman relating in my father's hse. In church, w/the leaders, I saw something more wholesome. I loved it!  The leaders showed me that a marriage can work! That's what I wanted.

In 1999, I prayed that I would have a wholly whole marriage w/a husband and children. Well, I still want that. I had to work through my fears. When relationships don't last, I reflect and see where I may be in a pattern so that I can be well for the next time…

Now I am sure that I would like to do the whole legal binding document situation. I feel that I don't want to have another child w/o it. I am a single parent now and I know for a fact that that's not what I want to be for the rest of my life!

One of the things I've found in my personal pondering is the whole strong black independent woman thing. I knw in my early 20s that that shit does not go well in a relationship w/a man. I see evidence of that and have since I was a child. You cannot be a man in the relationship w/another man….not happening if he's a real man. I don't mind the yielding. Everything doesn't have to be a back and forth struggle or challenge. Why not harmony and love?

 

DUA, ADORATIONS, WORSHIP

Worship or DUA

Adorations of….its important to be intimate with Self. I wld say that its important because we are in this human form in this dimension and we have the tendency to forget that we are in actuality soulful spirits in/experiencing. We are light body energies accessing the Creator Source w/in. we are to be in constant fellowship (if I may dig deep into my bckgrnd in church…lol) and communion w/in ourselves. There shld never be a time when we are not in reality….question is….are we? Is there ever a time when we are not? With all that's going on around here…..the distractions and factions….when is it that we forget?

For the past few wks I have been speaking on the sacred act of sex. Last wk I spoke about worship as well even though I was speaking on self-love….now lets think for a moment. The bible warns against those that are 'lovers of self'…..lol every time I use to see that….i use to inwardly cringe and then I wld just avoid that scripture altogether. Maybe because I've always had such-and still have- a deep relationship with myself. Its hard to tear me away from myself. We are so connected. Lol…its uncanny.

Adoration is a deep and ardent affection, in the thesaurus, the synonyms are like, love, sacred,  and the other words there are revere, venerate, worship…. We see that something is connected to something. I spoke last wk on the temple of the body being the place of worship where you commune w/your original nature. Idk….i don't see our original nature as being animals. I know that a few of us subscribe to that but on the base or the most simplest of terms breaking it all dwn, we are energy. That is a scientific fact. Look it up! And remember, energy forms may be transmuted or transformed but never destroyed. So in essence, your essence never dies!

I am. You are. We are. No other explanation needed. Especially when experienced by others.

Presence

PRESENCE

WOW. One of the synonyms for presence is charisma and aura

How about I thought that was so interesting. When you do a small study of aura, you find that that's like your electromagnetic field that you emanate. So that's awesome. We all have one unless you have or are crossing over to the other side….then its like black. My daughter can see colors around people and I ask her all the time what color people are and such.

P

resence. Having come from the church, we speak on the 'presence of the lord' and all that. We have songs about it. One is- in your presence there is fullness of joy- which is a psalm. There are so many songs about the secret place, the high place, and the presence of the lord or the presence of god. And as a dancer and a singer, I enjoyed them all. I sang and danced to the lot of them.

L

ast wk I spoke about practicing the presence of god being basically meditation. In the church all of the elements are there or you're taught those elements.

A typical service, speaking of rituals, is like this, you come in and –well, sorry a modern service now is like this…lol you come in and the praise and worship team gets up and sing. Depending on how elaborate or modern the church is they may also have dancers, which to me add a very special time for the people. Being as I was in both auxiliaries I'm quite familiar. So the song and dance wld go forth or just the song if there is no dance ministry. Then nowadays they take up the offering and tithes, I guess the music is supposed to make you tht generous. Then the speaker wld come forth. O yea, if there is anything else, announcements and such that's before the speaker and then he/she wld get up. Well at the beginning of all services, there is generally a song. Why? Because that's called invoking the presence of god. Or inviting him in the room. Music  is so special. And trust and believe there is a difference from an all white congregation and an all black congregation. Skill level makes a difference too. They have conference with pastors and music leaders about this. They teach that your music dept can either assist or kill your ministry. If its dead, not much happening. But even if the msg from the leader is garbage, if the music dept is on, then your church is banging…lol

Well now lets go to your private time. I spoke last wk about one of my past mentors, Arlette Willis. She basically displayed to me a very special relationship with self. Or what she sees as the holy spirit or god or whatever. I can't knock it because she is and her husband both are empaths or what the church calls prophetic or others say psychic. She really does put the personal work in and that's what makes her special to a lot of us. When she sings she shares her special relationship with everyone and she doesn't scream and holler like we're used to others. She taught me how to practice being quiet. Much appreciated.

In my private time and even before I met Arlette, I wld just get up and sing a song and dance in what I wld call before the lord. Then I wld have my journal and write. It was great. I wld practice the presence by not talking. Instead of begging for things and asking for things, I wld be grateful for what I wld like to see-which is calling things into existence.  And as a Christian I wld bring it all to the cross…so much to deal with here.

T

he problem I kept having as a lot of Christians and people in general because of church backgrnds and all is that we are constantly relying on something and someone outside of us. We are generally psychologically dependent. We are not looking w/in for all of our answers intentionally. This is where my change has happened. I wld cry because of what I perceived to be the spirit of god wldnt be felt and I felt like I was wrong or wasting my time when  in reality I was with me forever. When I wld sit up late night lying on the floor and the bed just talking to myself and calling it the spirit of god I was communing with the spirit of self. And that's not bad either. I saw shit I did to people that was wrong and also how I perceived shit people did to me. Those where my relaxed times. As a child, and I didn't grow up in the church, I wld do that all the time. I loved myself before I became influenced by others outside of me.

This is the sad thing that we need to save our children from. Teaching our children that what they need and answers they seek as they get older and more and more autonomous is w/in and that they don't have to be dependent on someone or thing to come and 'save' them. It's time to teach our children to respect others and their decisions but to trust that voice that tells them the right thing. For the right thing will always come if we listen. I know personally because every time I avoided that voice as a child, I got in fights and troubles out of this world…lol. Lets teach our children the universal laws and responsibility. One thing I do with my daughter is one time she said she was scared, I tld her to put her hand over her heart and act like she was taking something out of it and then rub it all over her body. That was her courage that's in her heart at all times. When we break out of the box then we can guide our children effectively. Understand that when we dance and sing that we are invoking the energies inside us and around us. And ur sincerity and intention as well as our imagination is very important. See, in some of the christian and gospel songs there is instruction and stories. There's the stories of jesus helping and all that. So that puts you in a trance…the problem with that is the psychological thing where jesus is one set color and god is well a man…lol. So take it where you want but be responsible. Presence. People come to those places because they felt a 'presence'. The presence is everyone's focused energies going in together…lol

SEPT NOTE

Good afternoon! Thank you for joining me here on InnerSilence Speaks show where our focus is on wholistic healing for self and the community at large. You are on the phone with dominicaj and I am she, your lovely host. The number to call in and speak or listen is 917 889 3016. You can join us in the chat room as well.

 

Sex

Today's topic is going to be on sex. What I am about to speak on is sacredness and a bit on relationships. As well as sacred sex…I want to speak on sex wholistically and not be as maybe what we are used to others being and that's just crass for ass for no good reason at all. This is about getting our lives in order for ourselves, our family and even the community at large. I am concerned with the overwhelming belief that its all about self when in my eyes its not just about you. Its never been just about you. You are a part of the whole. I am also not very happy with things being brought out as mere distractions from the topics at hand. I have been in a few conversations and discussions and even just read discussions and have seen some things that to me is just a smokescreen of distraction….anyway. lets get focused and stay focused. Respect and peace.

This past wk the idea of the garden has come to mind. Not a vegetable garden but a flower garden. I made the statement that I was thinking if a man knew how to tend a garden then he shld probably know how to 'tend' a 'garden'. Now I have let my scholarship go down a bit and haven't been able to research like I wld normally like to (idk….call it laziness and yes, I admit that I have gotten a bit lazy….lol) any way. I started out in the church and we were taught that you can only have sex with your spouse. If you go outside of that then you are in gross sin. So there you hve it folks, all of the guilt walking around is courtesy of your lovely church establishment. I had a personal relationship with the church so I can speak what I know versus any other religious establishment. I for one strived for 8 yrs (2 four yr increments at a time) of celibacy. I didn't really know what to do with the energy. Everytime I slipped and indulged I fell into immediate depression and guilt and had to do like bible verses as affirmations….you knw, 'there is therefore now no condemnation to them that are in Christ jesus'….all the while the other scriptures wld be staring me in the face (subconsciously) with all the finger pointing….i was a mess like the others that we've met along our way.

So I left the church. And literally had to spiritually detox…lol I must say that I do not regret my decision. I do not delight in guilt. That shit was horrible. I've learned to be personally responsible instead of blaming someone else for what I allowed. And I am still learning how to be an effective co-creator of my destinations in life.

I read sacred woman. In you chapter about sacred unions, I really did like it. however, with me coming out of the church I had my full churchlike radar on….lol I was always looking to see what was to like it so that I cld run the other direction…I am an intimate person and so I enjoyed her chapter on sacred unions because it bespeaks to me intimacy with self and then the joining of me with another in sacredness and glory to the god/goddess w/in us. I am sure that I will do quite a few show to really get this all out because there is sooooo much to share and I only have this one hr for now. As I continued to work on me and my diet and love myself to health and all, I began to  seek ways physically that goes beyond even the elementary of just…sex…I enjoy the friction. But I also enjoy the joining. Because we know there is a joining, right. So that's one reason why I've always been pretty picky about things. I don't just jump on any dick. However it may seem. As I continued to grow as a person I've given things even more thought because I have learned more about energy. Awesome stuff this and we are….so I purchased a book called the healing love through the tao-cultivating female sexual energy by mantak chia. I really do enjoy the bk. Since I've been actively meditating this has been wonderful with some exercises you can use to direct your innergy (chi, life-force…etc) in this bk there are positions and such and breathing excercises that I will have to share another time. So as I've gone further I have been looking into sexual magic. I really don't have a bk perse….i have just been attentive to others that I've heard on blogtalk and such and they have been beneficial to me. Like I get all excited and such and want to try stuff out immediately….lol only thing is if your partner is now interested that can cause some frustration since its better to do it with someone instead of just alone. You can do it alone-do it away! However the knowing the fact that this cosmos is sooo orgasmic and how things manifest with the male/female principle…..mmmm mmm mmm….loveliness! so do according and consciously. Intention and imagination is the most important thing when doing….majick…please by all means do not get tripped up on technicalities. If you don't have that crystal, flower, oil, or colored candle; that shld never stop you. All with all things be sure to do things for the highest good for you and all. All that silly evil shit will trip your ass up in the worse way in the end. Its time to grow up. I honor those that have come before me here in the incarnations however I am aware that they all didn't do good and that we do according to our growth. So…there is sooo much to cover in this topic and I am seeing that in this overview I am going long on just the prelims…lol.so I will do the due diligence to share more in the Sundays to come!

In the book, sexual secrets-the a alchemy of exstasy by nik douglas and penny slinger they have like soooo much stuff in here historical and the like is a good read and practice. Even in the mantak chia bk, he has positions that aids in organ stimulation and healing. They share this graphically in both bks. Lovely stuff. I shared with some of my friends that kama sutra is not just some positions to do alone. Its to be coupled with tantra. Sex is to heal and create. So keep that in mind. Remember that. If you are sexing, you are creating something. There is something on your minds even its just bliss…….